Tory MP Secret Diaries #2 — Rishi’s Dish Woes

Matt Mason
3 min readJun 14, 2024
Photo by Francis Tokede on Unsplash

We were so poor when we were children, we didn’t even have a superyacht. We had a couple of powered boats, but not a yacht. *makes sad face*

No, let me try again. We were so poor when we were children, we only had one offshore bank account. *wipes onion under eyes*

Hmm, that’s not right. I wonder what The Daily Express says about poor people? *rustling of paper*

Avocado toast, no — that wasn’t a thing when I was a poor child. Widescreen television. Hmm, that could work but they might have been a little too expensive on the outlay though. Poor people are notorious for buying everything on HP. Though how poor people have managed to use bottles of sauce as a form of currency, I don’t know. Maybe we were the wrong type of poor.

Satellite dish? That could work.

“Hello, my name is Rishi Sunak and I was so poor when we were children, we couldn’t afford to dip into any of our offshore bank accounts to get a satellite dish. Sometimes we even had to eat the cheap caviar. We were the wrong type of poor to trade bottles of HP sauce, but I knew hardship.”

That’ll win the plebs over. I’ll get straight onto Tufton Street to put the word out now!

I was the laughing stock of the private school. Rupert Barnaby-Smythe used to pick on…



Matt Mason

Creatively curious lifelong writer. I use Medium to discuss asexuality, childfree living, Doctor Who, and sometimes even politics - not all of it serious.